I will admit that I might be growing, against my will. easy as it is for me to fall completely in love, and lose myself in another person, I find that the universe has been providing me the natural curb to that emotional appetite. that would be Lauren's job.|
now, I know that she comes home. I know that. I experience it, every night. and I know I've got "why don't you come home to me" baggage left over from days when my dad didn't do just that.... see? I can look at it and label it. why can't I diffuse it? what the fuck else is going on?
I struggle against the idea that I might define myself by my relationships. that must be a bad thing, right? I try to remember that I can have a life of my own, even if Lauren is at work until 10 pm. I can, ya know. and in a lot of cases I can think of when I wished for such freedom. now that it's looking me in the face, I'd really rather go home and nest more with my wife-to-be.
so... this lesson is about remembering to do what I need to do for me, even if I don't want to do it. this lesson is about looking my neurosis in the eye and telling it to chill the fuck out.
I remind myself that Lauren's at work, not out galavanting around, not getting into trouble or otherwise comprimising our relationship. she's really at work, even if I can't get a hold of her there. and just because I can't locate her by phone or IM doesn't mean she's avoiding me or lost somewhere or even dead.
yes, I have a very active imagination.
|the powers that be (and I'm not talking about the elected or appointed ones, I mean the ones that are the powers whether we believe them to be or not)... the powers that be have made it clear to me that yes, I am a survivor, yes I deserved to be loved, and yes, I can have a life and share it with someone without having each of us smother the other. at least I think I'm being pointed in that direction... kicking and screaming, sometimes. and other times, like now, pondering reflectively as I am carried along the river of life.|
|and now for something completely different||