work, job, method to pay rent

my desk, back when it was small and crowded... note the BTW Hornet :-)
I try sometimes to remember why I waste all my waking hours at work. Often it's just not what I want to be doing. I'd rather be out, making movies, making music or making love.
Sometimes I do enjoy what I do. Sometimes it's a test to see if I'll kill someone at work. Usually it's just a test to see if I can hold my composure. Generally I do, but every now and again someone will take me to the edge. Like today, for example. I could've killed him. looking down on the courtyard outside
cars driving on 13th reflected in the windows In retrospect, I wonder if I'll ever be able to chill out when my heart is beating a mile a minute and I'm covered in rage from head to toe. I have learned to be careful what I email when I'm like that. It's very easy to shoot off an email full of flame and barbs. I think I did pretty good here, although perhaps not perfect. I think that's okay.

I have learned today that it is possible to be angry and sharp and still mean it later when you're not mad. And that it's not always necessary or even correct to apologize or try to take it back later. That's how it is. Sometimes anger gets results.


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