Yeah okay, so I moved again. While Lauren and I were away getting legally married in Canada, our building at 1225 13th St decided to sell the units as condos. So we moved to Chinatown, in a swanky building with a 24 hour concierge and a fitness center. Of course, in February we found out they're selling this building too. This time, however, we were more prepared. What also helped was having some higher-up folks living in the building. Doesn't hurt to have some seasoned real-estate people around. So this time we might actually be able to buy our apartment. (Lauren's already redesigning the kitchen.)|
Honestly I'm amazed that so much time has gone by since I updated this site. For a while I couldn't update it, because every word that came from my fingers was something nasty about Marilyn, formerly known as my mother. The flack and bullshit I got from her before the wedding didn't really compare to the attitude and bullshit I got when I got back. The honest truth is, I don't get anything from Marilyn that I want or need. I get a lot of critizism -- which is hardly new -- and lots of talk about support while she slowly picks away at the ego/self-esteem that I've so slowly developed since leaving her far behind in Oklahoma.
You know, I get the concept that children should respect their parents. But sometimes they just don't freaking deserve it. So whatever crap is being propogated in Oklahoma, I could really give half a shit. I have a life and I love it. I don't need anybody else's approval.
I think the real issue is that Marilyn can't deal with me being queer. That's the bottom line. And all her hatred comes out in other, biting ways. I think she's surrounded by people who expect her to be supportive, but deep inside she's masking her own feelings of self-hatred and, by correlation, hatred for other queers.
It's just a theory.
A theory based om my own experience at the hands of Marilyn. A theory I've thought of as I go through the memories of my childhood and youth... the comments she's made, the actions she's taken.
Well guess what? Queers will never go away. We exist across all social lines. Rich and poor, any nationality you can imagine, any education level you can imagine. Queerness is nature's built-in "oh no you don't" card, just to make sure you take nothing for granted. It will be here forever, regardless of whether or not we organize, whether or not we are systematically oppressed or killed. It can exist inside you, even after years and years of not acknowledging it. And hiding and running from it will surely make you insane, if not simply mean as a motherfucker.
God is love. It's the one true thing I will always believe. Of course I think "god" also contains "evil" elements, just as everything in nature has a ying and a yang. But the essesnce of happiness, of love, is the divine. It makes life. And queer love is love all the same. It is happiness bottled up inside desire.