click here to access the archivesclick the bear
to see pages past


Hey look! There is life! A heartbeat. Something.

Taking on larger and larger helpings of life: changing my religion, stepping into my wingtips at work, tying the knot and swinging hard, knowing it would hold. My wife changes before my eyes. The world around me changes and becomes something I can easily ignore now. It is just so... unsave-able... is there a word?

Knowing still that is is my duty to do something. At least that's what I'm learning. Learning more, learning when to do dishes and when not. Maybe. ;-) Learning that it is my own strength that always gets me through. And that I will not fail myself. And I will not crucify myself for failing. And that's why I will not fail myself. With that shred of knowledge I can give myself what no other can. I know how to walk through fire. This, though a shadow of my past, is potent. And I will not fail.

Taking a bit more time to take care of me. Remember to remember others. Remember that you cannot understand another as much as you could understand what is truly divine. Ya just can't. That means you have to interface, exchange, communicate. And learning how to do that, in every possible context, is what we have to do.

The question has been posed to me: what do you want? In the grand scheme of things. The big picture...

Shuffling, struggling, sticking through.
Facing the fire and walking through.
Finding the strength to do more, when you're already ready to quit.

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep your nose above the water.

in loving memory of my grandmother, Ruby West

Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy. While not always on point with where you are in life, this never fails to give me just a little sliver of information that might keep me from falling off the edge of the world.