now, I know that she comes home. I know that. I experience it, every night. and I know I've got "why don't you come home to me" baggage left over from days when my dad didn't do just that.... see? I can look at it and label it. why can't I diffuse it? what the fuck else is going on?

I struggle against the idea that I might define myself by my relationships. that must be a bad thing, right? I try to remember that I can have a life of my own, even if Lauren is at work until 10 pm. I can, ya know. and in a lot of cases I can think of when I wished for such freedom. now that it's looking me in the face, I'd really rather go home and nest more with my wife-to-be.

so... this lesson is about remembering to do what I need to do for me, even if I don't want to do it. this lesson is about looking my neurosis in the eye and telling it to chill the fuck out.

I remind myself that Lauren's at work, not out galavanting around, not getting into trouble or otherwise comprimising our relationship. she's really at work, even if I can't get a hold of her there. and just because I can't locate her by phone or IM doesn't mean she's avoiding me or lost somewhere or even dead.