sweet, sweet love
I'd happily hold you
until the roar stops
darlin' sweet you
miss me as much as I
look for you
your image is in all
everything I see
sweet sweet
tense and knotted
rest now slow
down slow down
let me untangle
me untangle you
I'll hold me
while you untangle you
sending you snippets
flavors of me
I'll keep churning
keep pushing through
I'm coming, I'll be there
just like I promised
we'll figure it out
crack the code
solve the equation
time only time plus
dedication
I promised

What I Owe You

The big You... what I owe you, is another nugget of my heart. I owe you the effort, putting it out there, turning myself inside out and having a smidgen of faith that what you create is ... enough. I should say "everything"... but that seems like a simple equation. Everything is everything. But is everything enough? Is it enough for me to believe and allow me to turn myself out... to try to make something interesting, and potentially worthwhile.

I realize that I need to practice the craft, of stitching together words, as much as I practice stringing together letters in Scrabble or lifting my giant ham of a leg to toss out a kick. Repetition, when done on purpose and with purpose, is exercise. The body learns. The muscles learn. That's what inspired me to ever try to learn to juggle, in the bathroom with the green soap balls that no one would ever use. Muscles learn, and eventually you don't even have to think about it.

The brain learns, along with the body and you get the "Auto Pilot" phenomenon. You're driving home and even though you were going to stop someplace, you forget and just drive yourself all the way home... auto pilot.

And then there's unlearning. I'm trying to unlearn a lot of stuff. Trying to unlearn how to set myself up for failure, for heartbreak, for getting stuck in a rut. Trying to unlearn self-soothing through edible pacifiers. Learn this. Unlearn that. Will I ever really be grown up?

I know from experience that people I once assumed were "grown up" weren't so much adults as they were Super Bossy Pants. And yes, that is the technical term. So I know that everyone needs help. I know this. Here's my sermon: Unplug the auto pilot and look around. Wake up and live. On to the next level, the next hurdle... on to the next test. Grip it and grab it like it's yours. Unlearn the old nasty habits, that even off auto pilot fall into the routine. Stand up for what you need. Stand up against yourself, for yourself. It's just gravity, being in the habit of falling, and trying to take you with. Love this life, and allow it to love you back. Like any lover, life is finicky and hard to read. Like any relationship, it's work and it takes effort. Like anything that's worth having, life will not be easy to attain.